Relationships in the 'beingness' state

Finding my inner being and the surrounding relationships.

Being in a turbulent marriage hasn't been easy. From October last year #connecting# to my 'single beingness' as I describe it, I have been able to see the difference in how I manage my interactions.

What I noticed at first was as each month passed I was less effected by the heated dialogues. My need to defend had diluted. Where appropriate I would explain my actions. However, I really noticed how the comments or the emotionally charged energy, only penetrated so far. As each month went by it became less and less of a trauma.

I was disappointed my 'change' hadn't affected my home life. In fact I would say it got worse, by a long shot.

Eventually I was left to say the following: ' I wish to live in a peaceful environment'. However, that might be achieved. That left it open-ended to leave or have the situation improve.

I posed that statement to myself a few months ago.

As I've said in previous posts, recently I have been drawn to returning to my meditations in a light, effortless manner.

Returning back has been most enjoyable.

Friendships......

About 2 months ago I was drawn to cultivating friendships first. I was really drawn to wanting a friendship first with my partner. Up to this point I would have to admit my priority was a close relationship.

Along this process of discovering 'how things unfold after a 'single beingness awakening' occurs, I wanted to not force any changes. No preconceived ideas of 'how I should evolve'.

So it was a genuine inner insight to be drawn to friendship with my partner.

Things have now changed...... but I guess its a bit too personal to elaborate. It might change again, it might get stronger.

Observing has been most interesting.

That's not to say I've been unaffected. I have. I've lost momentum on current projects. Its affected my subconscious. I find at times I am at a standstill. Yet still not too affected by it. Just sometimes mildly unsettled.

Yet I have maintained a super strong core. Untouched. My personality might be going through the mill but I have this inner knowing of who I 'really am'. Once again I'm using 'I' but only for the sake of convenience. A massive debate about 'I' could break out. We are so changeable even within a given day, locking down a permanent 'I' is impossible.

Friendship evolving into caring....

I'm not sure what came first. I think it was the caring. I've mentioned this in another post. But to recap, I noticed a few months ago I was developing a greater interest in people I mix with. I was more sensitive to their story, their troubles. I've always been a good listener. However, over the last few years I became a bit bored with a lot of people. Now I have returned to being more caring and its moved to a lovely place. Its light but caring. This is my first attempt to describe it. It feels like its just a new part of me. An addition to my being. Its not however, as I believe it used to be. Its shifted to a new 'way of being'.

What I find very interesting is that its not something that I particularly wish people to describe about me. I'm not setting out to become anything really. I'm just letting a process within me unfold and being an observer of that process.

Moving into stillness

I've read a lot of Osho books. I love the way he expresses himself.

I've read Stuart Wilde. A completely unique character and really interesting.

What strikes me about both these characters is that they say it as they want. Perhaps holding back information, but certainly not afraid to shake up the establishment in their viewpoints and lifestyle.

I've read several Zen books as well as Eckhart Tolle.

In the midst of a insatiable appetite for methods, guidelines, information and answers, I began a program of meditation.

I liked zen's simple directness. Stay with the breath. Let thoughts float in and out. Drift off - don't worry. Just return.

My personal preference is silence. No mantras - no music.

Usually late at night practices. Never more than 60 minutes.

Since last October 2008 my meditations have been no more than 30 minutes.

There has been a complete lack of a hunger and need to meditate.

Recently there has been what I describe as a gentle calling to return to some meditation. But not anything lengthy or long.

Eventually about 2 years ago I reached this state of completeness. I would initially focus on my lower abdomen, keeping it relaxed, observing the gentle ebb and flow of the effects of the breathing of my body. Eventually I would enter a state of consciousness that felt expanded. It was a complete feeling. I wasn't drawn to expanding more and more. I just reached a very complete level of expansion.

Last October 2008 I came across a book called Finding Reality: by Keith Loy.

I had my mixed feelings about the book which I wrote on a review on both usa and uk amazon web reviews. I took off my uk review as I didn't want my review affecting the business success of the author. The USA one seemed to receive a mixed response so I left it on there.

I then read some of the comments about the book by readers. One reviewer recommended a book by John Wheeler called Awakening to the Natural State

It was upon reading the 'search inside' that I came across the following(taken from my review of finding reality)

I would suggest reading the search the contents on John Wheelers book 'Awakening to the Natural State' the following is from the top paragraph on page 16

It says:

"The basic teaching is very simple, almost too simple. It is so simple the mind overlooks it. What I didn't realise was that it has nothing to do with reading, meditating, doing something, working something out, stilling the mind and so on. All these techniques are looking in the wrong direction. Nizargadatta Maharaj used to say 'Understanding is all'. In essence Bob was saying 'Right now in your direct experience see what your real nature is. What are you right now? What have you always been?' The thinking mind is useless for this because seeing or looking is not a conceptual function at all. It is more like seeing an apple in your hand. You just look not think."

It was the very last two sentences that clicked for me. My search was complete. I had arrived.

What I realised was that for months I was just content to sit in the above mentioned expanded state. I was really content. The reading that year was mainly for fun and knowledge. However, upon reading that little thing it all #connected#. I realised that state was the eternal beingness.

That state can go into so many directions. It doesn't matter. What counts is your awareness of the 'beingness'.

...............................................

I never finished John's book. Whenever I'd try read some more it just seemed to be re-answering what I already knew.

Every book I have read since on this subject has left me struggling to finish it. Why? The reason is there is nothing further really to read on the subject of reaching the 'enlightened state'.

I've had a look about for books on after the enlightened state but not found one. So eventually I realised that actually I really didn't care any more. I realised I was in some personality loop of continued reading and seeking. It was a reflex habit.

I now dip into some old books I've had but never finished on Zen. One I tried was The Zen Teaching of Hung Po on the Transmission of Mind.

Its a great book. However, page after page I found he was telling people to drop all the rituals and just focus on being. Even all those centuries ago a man had taken this physically long journey to get some answers. Walking for thousands of miles to find certain teachers in China.

What did interest me and confirmed my thoughts really about my reasons for this blog was he went into retreat for about 10-15 years. To connect the two. His inner being and his personality. To see how they are one really. Its a refining process.

Baring in mind in those days Monks were full time. So that was without family, internet, telly, amazon books etc. A direct transmission from a master. Yet over a decade to adjust into the fusion.

So I am a mere fledgling really. But the fusion for me is just for fun. An observational study.

That's not to say without feelings.

One year on from Finding my quiet space

One of my thoughts after I found my quiet place October 2008 was to document my experience after that time.

Often I found reading about 'after enlightenment' that the writer was writing their thoughts years and years after the point of 'finding their home'.

So what I found was that after years of refinement and natural change the person was in a totally mature place.

However, there was most likely a process of evolution in their path to maturity.

Becoming aware of 'single beingness' is one thing. Having your personality and ego carry on as normal is quite another.

I have found that there was a misconception within me that once one reached a point of 'single beingness' one would become a radically changed individual.

The saying 'before enlightenment: chop wood. After enlightenment: chop wood', is so true. Yet there is really a profound difference really. However, one could pick this all apart and say that their really isn't because ''single beingness' was always there.

I choose not to worry about picking it all apart because it makes it become a riddle. Personally I have no intention of trying to sound too clever.

There is one point I'd like to make and its this: one really has to show a great willingness to want to know this 'single beingness'. The effort made although seems pointless is important.

Should it all not become that important then its not. Simple. To some its really important. For me it was a 'goal' that I set to achieve just that in this lifetime or at least try my best.

I don't know how many times I've read don't try so hard. Don't make goals. Personally I think that is just confusing. Set the goal, go after it and then if successful you'll know it probably wasn't something that could become a trophy.

I find I have the following feeling. My true single beingness is there at all times within me. At times I might be completely in my head, not aware, not present just absorbed in something. Yet I know that it just doesn't matter if I am. I know how to reach my core within seconds and it will be there for the rest of my life. And beyond? Don't really care is my current answer to that.

I have found I still experience all of life's ups and downs, emotional roller-coaster rides and all. Yet somehow there is a difference. I've also seen that as each month passes I become more refined in my interactions with life. There is a gradual maturity going on.

In the last few months I've found a natural caring side of me become more noticable. I have a genuine interest to be caring. Its not false.

This leads me on to say that for the whole year I just wanted to evolve naturally. No preconceived ideas on how I should be or become. Certainly there is no saintliness that suddenly appeared overnight. I just wanted to see whether I would naturally evolve or not. Also to see if there was a gravitation to a certain way of living.

In the last few months I have in a way shied away from moving into stillness. I naturally identified it as a worry that I wouldn't carry on with my current goals if I pursued this. I now see its totally irrational but there it is. So an insight occurred, which I've found happens quite a lot but in the most gentle of manners.

So I have very recently moved back into regular visits to my 'single beingness'. Its most enjoyable in the most gentlest of ways. It also seems the world around me responds to my increased time spent in stillness.

more to come......

Finding the quiet space

Having spent a tremendous amount of time searching for 'something intangible', I have reached a point of satisfaction.

Mixing part zen, part non-duality I found something that eventually broke through.

To pass this place of space onto others I have found it useful to use Simple Qi Gong movements.

Taking people to the quiet place in my group classes offers a non-verbal transmission of the quiet place.

However, I have still found that there is a certain difficulty in expressing the most natural presence that we can all tap into at will.

For this space to become the treasured place it truly is, one has to first believe they have reached that place of eternal tranquillity.

I find this is where it kind of breaks down in my transmissions. How can anyone transmit a sense of eternal being to another? One can only give a few tips and guidelines but ultimately the individual has to feel they have arrived in that place.

I am content to just take my classes on a journey of silence and breath. I don't push it. I just gently offer an indication of what's out there and what's possible. Also importantly to point out differences of state of consciousness while doing the same exercise.

more to follow.....