Being in a turbulent marriage hasn't been easy. From October last year #connecting# to my 'single beingness' as I describe it, I have been able to see the difference in how I manage my interactions.
What I noticed at first was as each month passed I was less effected by the heated dialogues. My need to defend had diluted. Where appropriate I would explain my actions. However, I really noticed how the comments or the emotionally charged energy, only penetrated so far. As each month went by it became less and less of a trauma.
I was disappointed my 'change' hadn't affected my home life. In fact I would say it got worse, by a long shot.
Eventually I was left to say the following: ' I wish to live in a peaceful environment'. However, that might be achieved. That left it open-ended to leave or have the situation improve.
I posed that statement to myself a few months ago.
As I've said in previous posts, recently I have been drawn to returning to my meditations in a light, effortless manner.
Returning back has been most enjoyable.
Friendships......
About 2 months ago I was drawn to cultivating friendships first. I was really drawn to wanting a friendship first with my partner. Up to this point I would have to admit my priority was a close relationship.
Along this process of discovering 'how things unfold after a 'single beingness awakening' occurs, I wanted to not force any changes. No preconceived ideas of 'how I should evolve'.
So it was a genuine inner insight to be drawn to friendship with my partner.
Things have now changed...... but I guess its a bit too personal to elaborate. It might change again, it might get stronger.
Observing has been most interesting.
That's not to say I've been unaffected. I have. I've lost momentum on current projects. Its affected my subconscious. I find at times I am at a standstill. Yet still not too affected by it. Just sometimes mildly unsettled.
Yet I have maintained a super strong core. Untouched. My personality might be going through the mill but I have this inner knowing of who I 'really am'. Once again I'm using 'I' but only for the sake of convenience. A massive debate about 'I' could break out. We are so changeable even within a given day, locking down a permanent 'I' is impossible.
Friendship evolving into caring....
I'm not sure what came first. I think it was the caring. I've mentioned this in another post. But to recap, I noticed a few months ago I was developing a greater interest in people I mix with. I was more sensitive to their story, their troubles. I've always been a good listener. However, over the last few years I became a bit bored with a lot of people. Now I have returned to being more caring and its moved to a lovely place. Its light but caring. This is my first attempt to describe it. It feels like its just a new part of me. An addition to my being. Its not however, as I believe it used to be. Its shifted to a new 'way of being'.
What I find very interesting is that its not something that I particularly wish people to describe about me. I'm not setting out to become anything really. I'm just letting a process within me unfold and being an observer of that process.
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